Master or Slave

Being a master of your life is a path full of self-inflicted restrictions & self caused pain . It is so easier to be a slave because then you can cry as much as you can & blame others for it. But for a master, pain leads not to crying but finding a solution or retreat from the cause of pain. This can mean going through a greater pain at that moment because such are the wonders of human life that so often we fall in love with comfort even if it means comfort of being with the cause of pain.

Master or slave.. sometimes its a matter of choice, sometimes a matter of survival.

You'll be there..always

Sometimes in the form of a tear in eyes
Sometimes as a smile on lips
Sometimes like a heart-burn
and sometimes as an ache of desire
You'll always be there in my life.
'cos I loved you, cos I worshipped you
cos I adored you and cos i missed you so much!
You'll always be there like a b'ful memory,
Which I thought was an awesome truth of my life.
You'll always be there like an ugly lie,
Which God rescued me from at last....

If its my life

Written on way back to Gurgaon from Chd:

If its my life, it has to have a twist (good or bad)
If its my life, a smooth fast highway will come to a dead end
If its my life, the same dead end will force me to look for a waterfall
a waterfall, which will quench my thirst
a thirst , which was slowly killing me while I was engrossed in the thrilling highway ride
so you see, everything will complete the bigger picture in the end
In the end, the puzzle will be solved but.. with  a twist
And thats what is the spice of my life!

You Needed..

You needed two eyes which can look adoringly at you

You needed a body which can wind up with yours and generate pleasure

You needed an always hearing ear on the other side of the phone

You needed an obeying mind and a heart in love with you

Maturity of thoughts was never a preference for you

Rather vulnerability was.

True love was never a desire for you,

Rather availability was.

You preached truth while lying multiple times

You sought loyalty while cheating for years at a time

You wanted this combination, you never wanted ‘me’

You ran after the above, wherever you could see.

Heaven like hell or hell like heaven!.....?

At 1:54 AM, 21 march 2010, When I am supposed to be working on two/three assignments which I know gonna almost kill me by the time their deadline approaches, I am here writing few memories and experiences. and all this just when I had cleared all my stuff from my cluttered messy bed to go to sleep :) Here it goes...

First day for class started with waking up at 7:30 am, getting ready by 8:10 , having breakfast at mess at 8:15 and being seated in classroom at 8:25am for a class that was to begin at 8:45 am. Everything was going smooth. It was hard to believe all the stories that I had read about IIMA  students being forced to make crucial decisions to choose one between food and bath in a hectic morning. How can things go so bad when one can plan time so well, I thought!
Slowly things started going weird here and there.From hardwork intensive first slot end exams to 'being fed up ' and 'wanna b free' sixth slot exams, here is my story of how IIMA treated me.
So, things started happening . Things which are said to be part of the whole IIMA culture. I had a very cute morning schedule to follow. Having water in morning, washing eyes, looking at rising sun, brushing teeth, taking bath and then full breakfast followed by a leisurely walk to class to reach atleast 10 mins before class starts. I called it 'cute' because that what it seems to me now- a cute, peaceful , silly morning that can happen only in dreams !!:P
30 minutes of morning routine has now slowly crunched to 300 seconds of dream-walk (or better known as run) to class. 300 secs- When you wake/ stand up in half sleep, no other decision can be made because class HAS to be attended, so you first pick casemats, wear slippers, find lock & key and then think what else can be managed now, which includes brushing, bathing, picking breakfast on way to class, combing hair etc. Usually only one of these can be managed in those 300 secs and that too if you are lucky to be a good runner.  I think I can run pretty fast but with HEAVY casemats , I preferred relying on borrowing the heaviest casemat from some other section dormmate and keeping the bag light enough to climb 40 stairs : 2 at a time.
As many of my non-IIMA friends would have heard me describing this whole life at IIMA as a flip-flop between 'Heaven like Hell' and 'Hell like heaven', I really found time only for one of these at a time: dancing/cribbing, partying/ mugging, movies from DC/sleep, playing/ reading non-curricular stuff etc etc.


mmm.. sleepy..... will continue later. not exactly sleepy, can watch atleast a movie right  now but gotta sleep else tomorrow will be a doomsday.Assignments have to be done. this too shall pass but it'l be a tough fight :D
Good night? what is a night ?? :) apt song would be ' raat ke 12 baje din nikalta hai, subah ke 6 baje raat hoti hai' .. Sayonara for the time being!

some musings : will keep adding now and then

• When you trust someone against everyone else's warnings, then you are either that person's biggest friend or your greatest foe ever. 
• Sometimes in life, some things are always meant to be a mystery.. somethings will always be beyond understanding as to what ,when , where something and then everything went wrong! When your eyes prefer to look at goodness, when heart betrays logic, when even the sixth sense wishes to sense only trust and love, then which sense will ever reveal the true picture?

music is a strange sound

Songs : an inspiration to move ahead in life, a connection holding back to past. So much is happening in life : first year's last and most hectic slot ending in 3 weeks, exchange confirmed, internship beginning in 28 days, need to plan for tom's assignment as well for the stay in a new city for next 2 months, for the new country for 3 months , for what subjects to choose in next year and how to avoid D in a few subjects in first year!!!

And then come some songs which take you back from this so very stuffed present to a past that was seemingly relaxing and true. You don't wanna leave present but can't avoid sinking in past memories. Where and when it is all gonna end, no one knows! and whether this tussle will ever end is still a more questionable thought.

'aawaz do humko hum kho gaye, kab neend se jaage kab so gaye'

Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khyaal aata hai

There are two types of desires in our lives : one, are the dreams which we day dream of or fantasize about : like getting fame, leading a happy life with the person we think we can be happy with but may or may not be presently, finding loads of money all of a sudden, getting rid of pimples some day, etc. and second are the wishes which our heart makes once in a while, out of shear pain, desperation, love or need: like finding peace in life, being with people who actually love you in real, reaching a level in life which you so so much know you deserve, etc.

I had read somewhere 'God gives you what you need and not something that you think you need', and today I feel there are very very good chances of this being true. One may feel the grief of losing someone they wanted, but who knows how important it was to lose that person to finally be with someone who will actually know how to respond to your love. One may feel sad on missing admission to an esteemed engineering college,but who knows how important it was so that you don't become one of the stereotypes typical of that college, rather nurture your true personality and be a revolutionary thinker in future.

I have been through situations and still am going through a few, where 'the end' seemed so near, there was nothing but a faint picture of an uncertain future, all theories developed over time were going wrong one by one and I had numerous questions but hardly any answers. But its very well said that 'let time do certain things'. Life has many times pleasantly surprised me after small successes and big setbacks! The time only shows: how out of old junk of perceptions emerges a new reality and that if you are a man/ woman of will-power, how the harder you are pushed down, the stronger you emerge.

So all I have learnt is :
Follow the guiding light, accept hurdles and face them as part of the process to make you worthy of achieving your ultimate aim. Let no one make you doubt what you can be and will be in future, because what you strongly wish to be is what you CAN be. And for what you follow the process of trying , failing again and again , still living  and then finally succeeding is what you WILL be!

Thriving in crisis and beyond...

date : 29/7/2009 (First month of Fachchadom)

Managing good times with an eye on bad ones
But the game isn’t over yet..
There is a lot more to come
You just stand and watch
And all you see is a haze and a run
Its truly said that there is never a free lunch
You pay price even for things that you have earned
Its not just studies that you gotta handle

a week passes by,
before you even blink your eyes...
and then you wonder how come you survived,
through all the grind!!
But the game isn't over yet....

Happy Valentine's Day to all

Happy V-day! I have seen people cheating blatantly and subtly but still faith in love is alive. May this day bring people meant to be together, closer . May it clear some misunderstandings, may it bring the realization that what someone actually means to you and may you hear a 'too' added to your 'i love you'. God bless! Long live the purity and beauty of this feeling called 'love'.. forever n ever!

Part n parcel of being in Hogwarts

With the LKP lawns surrounded by three giant walls , facing the tower ground with lush tree and numerous small birds hovering up in the sky, IIMA has at times given me a glimpse of the Hogwarts School of Harry Potter. And today , I saw another similarity. The loneliness arising out of : well thought of but unattempted CPs, the realisation  of how poor the CG is turning out to be through frequent mentions by people around , sudden quiz which goes bad inspite of preparing hard in 45 mins between lunch and 2:30pm, a missed REM , self questioning about "is the way I chose to live my life here right?"  etc etc., loomed like a dementor. The cold sad feeling kept sinking in and pushed me to brood over the worst happenings in life that I have been trying hard to forget from last couple of months.

I came out for dinner and to have a fresh breath of air. A coffee and little chat was another attempt to dispel the gloom. My best friend raised a nice question " How will we stay happy if we both get sad at the same time?". Quite right. She had worries of her own.

Yeah, in the end it all turned kinda well when I finally had glimpse of my wonderful friends coming online. Their presence itself felt so comforting. I didn't know this was what I all needed to smile :) . Friends are the ultimate lifeline who pull me back to life again and again and again....

Those three lovely words

Written a few years back..


Use those three lovely words, whenever you feel like.. let it be for the hundredth time in a day.. but say!! You never know what is there in future. May be someday you end up hating the very same person… may be you never get any second chance to fill someone’s heart with the joy that these wonderful words give.. you never know!! So, enjoy this beautiful feeling that you have for someone today.. Don’t let it get lost in the fog of ego! Expressing can never make your so-called value low.. never!! Celebrate.. rejoice this bliss.. so that, at the end of the day you don’t feel sorry for that missed moment when you could have made someone feel loved and cared for! And remember.. all this does not promise of taking away all the thorns out of your way but…. It surely assures of healing whenever you get pricked!! And that’s a reason enough to let yourself fall for ‘it’.. Right?? J

Savoring the present

Present is the PRESENT from God.. How many times I have heard it and tried to feel it at that very moment! But could hardly ever! Guess what.. sometimes it takes a killing combination of cold, sore throat, cough and fever to make me sit and live in only present. So from last 2 days I am having a rest period where I don't expect the professors to expect any class preparation from me, where the sole aim of my life is to lie on bed and have warm water and some medicines and catch up several seasons on my laptop :)

Do we need a reason to spend some hours out of our years of living (or should be vice-versa, to live some hours out of our years of spending life) , in a guilt-free relaxed way? Yes, I can say I am not the kind of person who is ambitiously pursuing a mad race. I think I am doing things which I want to do and which I feel add to my personal satisfaction of growing in life but I must admit that in order to be allowed to do those things too, I have to fulfill many duties. And in this rush, so many moments just pass by. I see so many smiles getting burdened under tense eyebrows, so many claps getting muffled to little whispers and so many possible warm hugs getting reduced to a long distance 'Hi'. 

Yeah, the work is important , motivating and blah blah and yes peace is the core of our souls which we are losing but where will this tussle finally find a solution? we want to work for our goals and we want to achieve those goals for the aim of gaining peace in the end and in this process what we are doing is just the opposite of our ultimate goal! And are we sure we gonna finally rest in peace? because if yes, then sure we should carry on this way but if there is even a minute doubt then we need to pause and think hard. 

I am not going to start over with the elaborate thoughts that have been poured over this issue by many. I believe its to each his own. Find your way of LIVING. I am sitting and thinking over mine :) Cheers!